Introducing the DVR Voice

This is my psychic Walter (his pseudonym is the Amazing Siez [pronounced SIGH-ez], but we're on a first name basis because I go to him so much). This is what he told me the other day.

Eight years from now, it will be 2016. Obama will be at the end of his second term in office, and Miley Cyrus will be completing her 2nd stint in rehab. And eight years from now, I'll probably still be complaining about my petty issues with technology.

Comcast has this new technology called the "DVR Voice." Instead of using the faulty remote to control the DVR, every command is by voice recognition. The vision, itself, seems promising, but the execution of the product fails miserably. It mistakes me saying "rewind 20 seconds" for Be My Sloppy Seconds, a new FOX reality show promoting one night stands and promiscuity (apparently, FOX hits an all-time low in ratings in 2016, and they don't fail to disappoint with this charmer).

Another feature with the DVR Voice is the record aspect. I set my series recording for the 7th season of The Wire, which was brought back in 2014 due to a speech during which President Obama mentions it's his favorite show of all time and wishes it would have lasted more than 5 seasons. And ala the Oprah Effect, a flood of letters were sent to HBO demanding for a revival, and it enters its 7th season in 2016. But because its a show brought back to the TV schedule, the DVR Voice doesn't recognize the difference between seasons and therefore, thinks that every season is new. Before the 7th season premiere, HBO spent an entire week recapping seasons 1-6. So, I end up with all 70 some odd number of episodes on my device. This would be great, if the DVR allowed for more memory, and because it's still a fairly new product, the memory space is very limited. Which meant that on the day of the season premiere, I missed it because the DVR didn't have enough memory.

Through all of this, I'm convinced that the DVR Voice is a POS, and throw it out after about 1 month of use.

Walter also said I would be the 4th richest person in the world (behind Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, and Guy Richie), and he said that I would have a cat named Muffin. Which is ridiculous, right? There's just no possible way, ever, not in my wildest dreams...that I would have a cat, let alone name her Muffin. Maybe Walter was having an off-day. It happens.

The source of all of my problems: Comcast & Al Davis

My relationship with the DVR has had its ups and downs, and for a while there, we were getting along just fine. It played all my shows without any disruption, and I was beginning to think to myself, "Oh no! I'm not going to have anything to write in my blog! Everything's perfect!" But sure enough, the SOB strikes again.

It's kind of the way I'm feeling about the Raiders right now, more specifically, that dinosaur, Al Davis. Last year, it felt like everything was going well. We were headed in the right direction with leadership under a new head coach, and I wasn't getting pissed off at the team for not trying because they were.

But then Al wants to step into the picture this year and disrupt the team with his crazy shennanigans, thereby ruining whatever chance the Raiders had of being successful this season. The Raiders' organization is a dictatorship - free speech is stifled (Al has final word), the media has limited access to the inner workings of the team, and coaches and personnel have restrictions on what they can and cannot do. I mean, does he realize it's 2008, not 1978, and the game has changed? Does he realize he's the reason his beloved baby is in shambles? Does he realize that the fans of the Nation are sick and tired of this bullshit, and we want to be a f*in winning team for once? Stop being a control freak and trying to monopolize the franchise! Ugh! GO AWAY, AL! You need to be fired. You should fire yourself...

Hey, Raider fans, join the fight against TPTB: KeepKiffin.com.

*update as of Tuesday 9/30: Al Davis is a hack. Sorry, Kiff. Good luck, though, and I wish you future success.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, the DVR - back to the topic at hand.

So ignore the whole comparison of Al Davis to my DVR. That's just my crazy "other" frustation that I had to let out. Plus, I don't want the DVR to go away (like Al Davis). I just want a miracle to fix it. And by miracle, I mean Comcast. And by Comcast, I mean enemy number one on the list of things I hate.

For some reason, right now, the DVR does this weird thing when I reach the end of my show. Let's say, I'm watching an hour long episode. It shows up as 1:00 (1 hour) on the DVR duration timer. As I approach the end of the show, around :55 (minutes), I fast forward, usually, to see the previews for next week. During the fast forward, the DVR pauses (not freezes) at :59. I try to rewind because it's gone a little too far (usually, you'd want to stop the fast forward at around :57, or so, for the previews). But instead of rewinding, the DVR just goes back to the beginning of the show (0:00).

Ok, that's not so bad. I figured I possibly hit the rewind button one too many times, and it accidentally went to the start of the show. Fine.

So I fast forward again to get to :57. and the stupid machine does it again. It takes me to the beginning of the show. I did it about 3 times, and every single time it did the same thing. It irritated the heck out of me. Seeing previews for the next episode always gets me excited, and I love to know what I'm looking forward to. But apparently, the DVR doesn't want me to know. What a piece of --

I'm not that mad. It's just this device is supposed to work. Mine doesn't seem to want to.

And you know who I blame it on? Comcast.

Instead of trying to get in good with Google or Yahoo or whatever search engine you're trying to create an agreement with so you can screw your Internet customers, how about you fix your DVR! There are more important things to worry about than making a buck - oh, like, making sure your customers are satisfied with your products. I know the economy is a disaster, and I know everyone is trying to find a way to survive the horrors that our country may possibly face in the next few years, but come on. Sorry, that the $700 billion dollar bailout won't help you some, but you know who it is going to affect? We, the consumers, who pay for your services and products. If we're going to pay the monthly bill, while we are already strapped for cash, for a service and a product that you provide, it should, at the very least, perform at the level you claim it to.

"Now TiVo’s legendary ease of use and unique search features make searching for, recording and watching your favorite shows and movies simple. And finding HD content is easier than ever" - taken from the Comcast website.

You mention the keywords "ease" and "simple" when in reality, nothing is simple or easy about the DVR. Your product makes it difficult to watch a television show interruption-free. There are almost always problems with the DVR, and this is a just another one to add to the long list of annoyances I have with it.

On that note, you greedy, money hungry, execs at Comcast better not be thinking of more ways to screw their customers by making it harder for us to access certain websites on the Internet. The Internet should remain neutral and not owned or controlled by any specific entity. SAVE THE INTERNET!

Kind of like the Raiders. Maybe the Raiders should not be owned or controlled by any one, specific person who has all the power to put restrictions and limitations on the team. Maybe, we, the city, the fans, should step in, and own them like they do in Green Bay. Take a stand! I'm sure we can make better decisions about the team than the old, washed-up cryptkeeper. For my sake, and the sake of the loyal fans of the team and around the league, please: SAVE THE RAIDERS!

Ah, to hell with it. Forget everything I said earlier. The only thing that needs saving is my sanity unlike Al Davis, who lost his 20 years ago.